I have a confession to make. I fall. I fall a lot. As if that weren't inconvenient enough, I never fall while fully clothed. And I never JUST fall. It usually takes me about 45 seconds to hit the ground. Here are a couple of stories. As always, they're 100% true, and not all that flattering to me. Hope they're enjoyable.
Several months ago, my husband DJ left very early for work. He locked the front door behind him when he left. I got up and got in the bathtub. About five minutes into my bath, I hear DJ knocking on the front door. He had left his keys in the car (so he could leave the car running). So, to keep him from waking up the kids (if you've never met him, he's about as quiet as a Peterbilt)-I grab a towel and run to the front door. We have granite in our entry way. Granite is oh so very damn slick when it's wet. The granite slab in front of our door is approximately 4 feet by 4 feet. I'm 5 feet 4 inches. It took a full 45 seconds to slide from where the granite meets the carpet to the front door. I know my butt hit the ground nearly immediately, but my momentum slammed me wet naked-assed first into our front door (again, 45 seconds later). When I finally stopped, I was facing opposite the direction I had started. Was now horizontal as opposed to the much preferable vertical. And had lost not only my towel but most of my dignity along the way. To add insult to not yet detected injury, my husband yelled through the front door, "What the hell are you doing?" I can only imagine how it sounded from his side of the door, but for crying out loud. It was 5:45 am. What do you mean 'what the hell am I doing?'. I mean, it's all his fault for going to work so damn early anyway....
Our bedroom was once a garage. The garage morphed into a formal, sunken living room. The formal, sunken living room has become our master bedroom. From our office, the step down into the bedroom is about 8" high. About 5:45 this morning (should I sleep later or get up earlier?...hmm) I get up, put on my fuzzy pink bathrobe (I like it cuz it makes me look old) and had to the bathroom. I head back to the bedroom to start my day when all of a sudden, the 8" drop off has moved back about a foot. It's a hell of a lot closer than it used to be, I'll say that much. So, I step off it ever so gracefully landing on my left big toe and laying my ankle completely over to one side. Somehow, I managed a pirouette with a half gainer twist and straddled the open wire door to the dog kennel (which is conveniently crotch high on my 5 feet 4 damn inches). So now my left foot is swollen and achy and I have a big scrape about three inches south of due north if ya know what I mean. Geez, I can't wait to hit 60 when I'll break a hip doing all this crap.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Love
What Love means to a 4-8 year old .
Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it. Touching words from the mouth of babes.
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, 'What does love mean?'
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined See what you think:
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'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.' Rebecca- age 8
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'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.' Billy - age 4
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'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.' Karl - age 5
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'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.' Chrissy - age 6
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'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.' Terri - age 4
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'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.' Danny - age 7
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'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss.' Emily - age 8
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'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.' Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
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'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,' Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
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'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.' Noelle - age 7
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'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.' Tommy - age 6
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'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.' Cindy - age 8
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'My mommy loves me more than anybody You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.' Clare - age 6
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'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.' Elaine-age 5
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'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.' Chris - age 7
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'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.' Mary Ann - age 4
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'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.' Lauren - age 4
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'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an image) Karen - age 7
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'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.' Mark - age 6 --------------------------------------------------------------------------
'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.' Jessica - age 8
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And the final one The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, 'Nothing, I just helped him cry'
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When there is nothing left but God, that is when you find out that God is all you need. Take 60 seconds and give this a shot! All you do is simply say the following small prayer for the person who sent you this. Heavenly Father, please bless all my friends in whatever it is that You know they may be needing this day! And may their life be full of Your peace, prosperity and power as he/she seeks to have a closer relationship with You. Amen.
Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it. Touching words from the mouth of babes.
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, 'What does love mean?'
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined See what you think:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.' Rebecca- age 8
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.' Billy - age 4
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.' Karl - age 5
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.' Chrissy - age 6
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'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.' Terri - age 4
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'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.' Danny - age 7
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'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss.' Emily - age 8
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'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.' Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
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'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,' Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
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'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.' Noelle - age 7
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'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.' Tommy - age 6
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'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.' Cindy - age 8
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'My mommy loves me more than anybody You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.' Clare - age 6
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'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.' Elaine-age 5
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'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.' Chris - age 7
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'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.' Mary Ann - age 4
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'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.' Lauren - age 4
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'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an image) Karen - age 7
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'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.' Mark - age 6 --------------------------------------------------------------------------
'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.' Jessica - age 8
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And the final one The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, 'Nothing, I just helped him cry'
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When there is nothing left but God, that is when you find out that God is all you need. Take 60 seconds and give this a shot! All you do is simply say the following small prayer for the person who sent you this. Heavenly Father, please bless all my friends in whatever it is that You know they may be needing this day! And may their life be full of Your peace, prosperity and power as he/she seeks to have a closer relationship with You. Amen.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Bail Out
I'm sick to my stomach over this bail out crap. I try really hard to avoid political statements especially on this blog. But I gotta say, from what I can tell about all of this, a lot of Americans borrowed money against their houses, couldn't afford it and now they're going to get help from the government to keep from losing their homes. The banks are partially at fault for this for loaning the money in the first place. But where does this leave the rest of us? There have been times in my life where I put things on credit, couldn't afford them then suffered the consequences. Where are these consequences now? What happens to those of us who carry very little (if any) credit card debt, deny ourselves certain 'extras' in order to pay our bills on time and in full-and generally don't purchase things we think we may have trouble paying for? What happens to us? I'll tell you. Right now, the interest rates on home loans are extremely low. One would think this would be a prime time to purchase a home. Yet, the banks won't loan any money out because they're too busy refinancing people who owe more on their homes than what they're worth. That's what happens. I can't purchase a home, but my tax dollars will help rectify someone else's poor damn choices. What happens if I can no longer afford my car payment? I lose the car-that's what happens. It sucks, but it's life. What happened to the financial discipline of the old days? Remember when no one bought anything they couldn't afford? "You give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach him to fish and he eats for a lifetime". I know people in my family who have NO discipline when it comes to money. Give them $100.00 and they a) won't have $100.00 by the end of the week and b) damn sure won't have $100.00 worth of anything to show for it. That didn't used to be my problem. Now apparently everybody's problems are mine. I'm not sure I want this responsibility. Hell, I've got a bunch of kids for whom I'm responsible. Am I supposed to raise yours too? I have to balance my own checkbook, am I supposed to reconcile your statement too? I don't think so, but then again, I could have missed something along the way.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
I'll be 34 on Friday, March 6th. As I reflect back on my life, I wonder if I've learned anything. I think maybe I have, but there's a lot more left to be known.
1. No matter how good of a parent you think you are, your kids will always prove you wrong.
2. I'm not always right.
3. I'm not a victim of anything except my own poor choices. Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can take advantage of you without your permission". I no longer grant that permission.
4. Louder isn't always better.
5. Less is more, more or less.
6. Washable markers WILL leave a stain.
7. God knows exactly what He's doing whether I like it or not.
8. My parents don't know everything, but they do have a 20 year head start.
9. I don't know who said this, but I like it: "I don't know why it's called common sense when it's not common at all".
10. I am much more critical of myself than other people are.
11. There is something to be learned from everyone I encounter. Regardless of how big of an asshole they may be.
12. When in doubt, read the instructions.
13. A sure cure for my toddler's constipation was to let her wear her 'big girl' panties to church.
14. Checks travel at twice the speed of deposits.
15. No matter how good they tell me I am at work, everyone's expendable.
16. Listening is more impressive than talking. And less incriminating.
17. There are some situations in life where sarcasm isn't the best.
18. I don't like to cook. And it's taken me this long to admit it. I actually hate it.
19. I can't control what anyone else does, just how I react to it. And I usually don't react appropriately.
20. I try to never walk away from a situation wishing I'd said something.
1. No matter how good of a parent you think you are, your kids will always prove you wrong.
2. I'm not always right.
3. I'm not a victim of anything except my own poor choices. Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can take advantage of you without your permission". I no longer grant that permission.
4. Louder isn't always better.
5. Less is more, more or less.
6. Washable markers WILL leave a stain.
7. God knows exactly what He's doing whether I like it or not.
8. My parents don't know everything, but they do have a 20 year head start.
9. I don't know who said this, but I like it: "I don't know why it's called common sense when it's not common at all".
10. I am much more critical of myself than other people are.
11. There is something to be learned from everyone I encounter. Regardless of how big of an asshole they may be.
12. When in doubt, read the instructions.
13. A sure cure for my toddler's constipation was to let her wear her 'big girl' panties to church.
14. Checks travel at twice the speed of deposits.
15. No matter how good they tell me I am at work, everyone's expendable.
16. Listening is more impressive than talking. And less incriminating.
17. There are some situations in life where sarcasm isn't the best.
18. I don't like to cook. And it's taken me this long to admit it. I actually hate it.
19. I can't control what anyone else does, just how I react to it. And I usually don't react appropriately.
20. I try to never walk away from a situation wishing I'd said something.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Know What I Hate?
1. Bicycle helmets. Who in the hell decided that we needed this crap? When I was a kid, not only did we not wear helmets, but would promptly beat up anyone seen wearing a bicycle helmet. Not only did we not wear helmets, but half the time, we couldn't be guaranteed that our front wheel would even stay attached to our bike as we ramped off the neighbor's tree roots. We are all still alive and accounted for.
2. Disinfecting wipes at supermarkets. Do you have any idea how many of my children cut teeth by chewing on the handle of the shopping cart? None of my children have ever contracted ptomain, botulism, SARS, AIDS, hoof and mouth disease, or even a common cold from chewing on the shopping cart handle.
3. People who mispronounce my name repeatedly. Dari. Rhymes with Jerry, Larry, Barry, Kari. I understand getting it wrong the first time. But please pay attention when you're corrected. No. It's not short for anything. I guess you could say it's long for DURRRHH.
4. People who get so far behind on their bills all year long and wait for their tax refund to get caught up. What are you doing with the money the rest of the year?
5. People who call my house and ask to speak with my mother.
6. People who don't understand why my children's last name is different from mine.
7. People who say, "you don't LOOK like you've had that many kids". Exactly what am I SUPPOSED to look like? Would you be more comfortable with my appearance if I weighed 450 lbs, had a leather handbag for a face and had lost most of my hair?
8. Exes. I don't mean husbands. Ex-smokers. Ex-drinkers. Ex-meat eaters. There's nothing worse than a reformed anyone. I like my cigarettes. I don't drink anymore, but don't want to hear about how you saw the error of your ways and quit drinking to better yourself. And as for meat, well, I get light-headed if my cholesterol drops below a certain level.
9. People who think spanking is child abuse. If a kid refuses to listen to reason, the only recourse is to paddle that behind. Sometimes physical pain is all a child will respond to. And frankly, people who don't spank are the same ones dragging a screaming, convulsing toddler into the toy section at Wal-mart thinking they can bribe the kid into being quiet by buying them something. This will only backfire my friends. If your kid throws a fit every time you go to Walmart-and you buy them a toy every time they throw a fit....what reason would the kid have for NOT throwing a fit? Paddle the ass. My mom would yank us up by one arm in the middle of church if we acted like little jerk offs.
10. People who look for things to be unhappy about. The world is an ugly place. If you don't like it here, MOVE.
2. Disinfecting wipes at supermarkets. Do you have any idea how many of my children cut teeth by chewing on the handle of the shopping cart? None of my children have ever contracted ptomain, botulism, SARS, AIDS, hoof and mouth disease, or even a common cold from chewing on the shopping cart handle.
3. People who mispronounce my name repeatedly. Dari. Rhymes with Jerry, Larry, Barry, Kari. I understand getting it wrong the first time. But please pay attention when you're corrected. No. It's not short for anything. I guess you could say it's long for DURRRHH.
4. People who get so far behind on their bills all year long and wait for their tax refund to get caught up. What are you doing with the money the rest of the year?
5. People who call my house and ask to speak with my mother.
6. People who don't understand why my children's last name is different from mine.
7. People who say, "you don't LOOK like you've had that many kids". Exactly what am I SUPPOSED to look like? Would you be more comfortable with my appearance if I weighed 450 lbs, had a leather handbag for a face and had lost most of my hair?
8. Exes. I don't mean husbands. Ex-smokers. Ex-drinkers. Ex-meat eaters. There's nothing worse than a reformed anyone. I like my cigarettes. I don't drink anymore, but don't want to hear about how you saw the error of your ways and quit drinking to better yourself. And as for meat, well, I get light-headed if my cholesterol drops below a certain level.
9. People who think spanking is child abuse. If a kid refuses to listen to reason, the only recourse is to paddle that behind. Sometimes physical pain is all a child will respond to. And frankly, people who don't spank are the same ones dragging a screaming, convulsing toddler into the toy section at Wal-mart thinking they can bribe the kid into being quiet by buying them something. This will only backfire my friends. If your kid throws a fit every time you go to Walmart-and you buy them a toy every time they throw a fit....what reason would the kid have for NOT throwing a fit? Paddle the ass. My mom would yank us up by one arm in the middle of church if we acted like little jerk offs.
10. People who look for things to be unhappy about. The world is an ugly place. If you don't like it here, MOVE.
The IRS-'Tis the Reason for the Season
It's been too long since I've posted, and for that-I'm truly sorry. I'm not even sure if I have anything witty to say or if I'll just ramble and type until something comes to me. Actually, that's how I wrote most of my papers in high school.
Tax season is upon us and for most of us, it's a wonderful time of year. The government actually RETURNS some of the money we've lent them all year long. They've borrowed it interest free of course. Not so much as a thank you, just a little letter saying they'll return our money pretty much in their own sweet ass time. My grandfather has a wonderful idea about this whole tax thing. He's always been probably the smartest guy I've ever known (okay Dad, you're a close second). My grandfather still works. Still works EVERY day. I'm not sure if financially he HAS to, or if being cooped up in the house all day with Mamaw is too much for him. Anyway. Here's how he does things.....When he goes to work for someone and fills out his W4, he refuses to have ANY taxes taken out of his paychecks throughout the year. Then, at the end of the year when he files, he figures up what he owes and sends the IRS a check. That way A) they've had to wait all year to spend HIS money and B) they're not using his money all year long interest and penalty free. I mean, talk about reading between the lines and thinking outside the box. He's not doing anything illegal, or even slightly shady. But who else would have thought of that? So, "Hats off Smitty, I like the way you think!"
Tax season is upon us and for most of us, it's a wonderful time of year. The government actually RETURNS some of the money we've lent them all year long. They've borrowed it interest free of course. Not so much as a thank you, just a little letter saying they'll return our money pretty much in their own sweet ass time. My grandfather has a wonderful idea about this whole tax thing. He's always been probably the smartest guy I've ever known (okay Dad, you're a close second). My grandfather still works. Still works EVERY day. I'm not sure if financially he HAS to, or if being cooped up in the house all day with Mamaw is too much for him. Anyway. Here's how he does things.....When he goes to work for someone and fills out his W4, he refuses to have ANY taxes taken out of his paychecks throughout the year. Then, at the end of the year when he files, he figures up what he owes and sends the IRS a check. That way A) they've had to wait all year to spend HIS money and B) they're not using his money all year long interest and penalty free. I mean, talk about reading between the lines and thinking outside the box. He's not doing anything illegal, or even slightly shady. But who else would have thought of that? So, "Hats off Smitty, I like the way you think!"
Monday, February 2, 2009
Sick Guys
I want to preface this blog by stating that I am under no circumstances-a man hater. As a matter of fact, I hate man-haters. If ya wanna hate men, go play for the other team. We're all in this together. I think in this day and age having basic cordial respect for one's spouse is as archaic as using the post office to communicate with someone. BUT, when my husband or one of my sons get sick, I want to pour battery acid in my eardrums to numb the pain. I'll be more specific. My husband was throwing up this morning. Didn't take any medicine-didn't make a doctor's appointment-just went to work. This just spells disaster for everyone he comes in contact with. Not that he's contagious, he's just such a @##$%^@$%^ when he's not feeling well. I once told him it was impossible to feel sympathy for him in his time of need because he's such a jerk.
It started with him biting my head off when I made my morning call to him on my way to work. He takes one child and two dogs every morning. I take two children. This situation was a lot more even before HE decided we needed another puppy. But that's another blog entirely. He bit my head off because he was trying to get Ro into school. He'd call me back. About an hour later he calls and is very sweet. This 'being sweet after jerkiness' used to trick me into believing sweetness was to be expected for the rest of the day. I've scored better in trig exams.
Then at lunch we eat together. It starts out with him being very cordial, if not a little quiet. The lunch ended with him screaming at me as I went through a yellow (and YES it was yellow AND it was on a 70 mph road). So, feeling like a 16 year old bringing home the family sedan with a new ding, I didn't say anything the rest of lunch.
About an hour ago, he called to inform me that we're about to start fighting like we used to. Meaning we divide the assets and tell each other exactly where to go. We're about to start fighting like that because I didn't carry the mail into the house at lunch because I had to get back to work. I called to tell him what we had. This turned into a lecture about how dirty my car always is and that he's tired of cleaning it out. This is the same car that logs about 100 miles a day back and forth to my work, his work, the kids' school, daycare center, post office, bank, grocery store, eye doctor, dentist appointment, wrestling, volleyball, swimming with the three kids (and sometimes a dog) in tow. I've never asked that he clean out my car and he rarely rides in it so its cleanliness is really irrelevant. I guess at this point I can start bitching about having to wash everybody's clothes every day and how under appreciated I am. But that would just be me naggin then wouldn't it?
So, WE'RE not going to fight like anything today. Today I choose NOT to react to the jerk off things he'll say because he's too stubborn to just admit he doesn't feel good and wants everyone else as miserable as he is. I won't let him bait me into saying things a sailor working in the oilfield would be embarassed to hear. BUT I will remember the standard that has been set for behavior when one is sick. Because apparently being sick gives one license to be insensitive, overbearing, and just rude as hell in general. With that in mind, "COME ON FLU SEASON" I've got a lot to say.
It started with him biting my head off when I made my morning call to him on my way to work. He takes one child and two dogs every morning. I take two children. This situation was a lot more even before HE decided we needed another puppy. But that's another blog entirely. He bit my head off because he was trying to get Ro into school. He'd call me back. About an hour later he calls and is very sweet. This 'being sweet after jerkiness' used to trick me into believing sweetness was to be expected for the rest of the day. I've scored better in trig exams.
Then at lunch we eat together. It starts out with him being very cordial, if not a little quiet. The lunch ended with him screaming at me as I went through a yellow (and YES it was yellow AND it was on a 70 mph road). So, feeling like a 16 year old bringing home the family sedan with a new ding, I didn't say anything the rest of lunch.
About an hour ago, he called to inform me that we're about to start fighting like we used to. Meaning we divide the assets and tell each other exactly where to go. We're about to start fighting like that because I didn't carry the mail into the house at lunch because I had to get back to work. I called to tell him what we had. This turned into a lecture about how dirty my car always is and that he's tired of cleaning it out. This is the same car that logs about 100 miles a day back and forth to my work, his work, the kids' school, daycare center, post office, bank, grocery store, eye doctor, dentist appointment, wrestling, volleyball, swimming with the three kids (and sometimes a dog) in tow. I've never asked that he clean out my car and he rarely rides in it so its cleanliness is really irrelevant. I guess at this point I can start bitching about having to wash everybody's clothes every day and how under appreciated I am. But that would just be me naggin then wouldn't it?
So, WE'RE not going to fight like anything today. Today I choose NOT to react to the jerk off things he'll say because he's too stubborn to just admit he doesn't feel good and wants everyone else as miserable as he is. I won't let him bait me into saying things a sailor working in the oilfield would be embarassed to hear. BUT I will remember the standard that has been set for behavior when one is sick. Because apparently being sick gives one license to be insensitive, overbearing, and just rude as hell in general. With that in mind, "COME ON FLU SEASON" I've got a lot to say.
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