Know What I Hate?

1. Bicycle helmets. Who in the hell decided that we needed this crap? When I was a kid, not only did we not wear helmets, but would promptly beat up anyone seen wearing a bicycle helmet. Not only did we not wear helmets, but half the time, we couldn't be guaranteed that our front wheel would even stay attached to our bike as we ramped off the neighbor's tree roots. We are all still alive and accounted for.

2. Disinfecting wipes at supermarkets. Do you have any idea how many of my children cut teeth by chewing on the handle of the shopping cart? None of my children have ever contracted ptomain, botulism, SARS, AIDS, hoof and mouth disease, or even a common cold from chewing on the shopping cart handle.

3. People who mispronounce my name repeatedly. Dari. Rhymes with Jerry, Larry, Barry, Kari. I understand getting it wrong the first time. But please pay attention when you're corrected. No. It's not short for anything. I guess you could say it's long for DURRRHH.

4. People who get so far behind on their bills all year long and wait for their tax refund to get caught up. What are you doing with the money the rest of the year?

5. People who call my house and ask to speak with my mother.

6. People who don't understand why my children's last name is different from mine.

7. People who say, "you don't LOOK like you've had that many kids". Exactly what am I SUPPOSED to look like? Would you be more comfortable with my appearance if I weighed 450 lbs, had a leather handbag for a face and had lost most of my hair?

8. Exes. I don't mean husbands. Ex-smokers. Ex-drinkers. Ex-meat eaters. There's nothing worse than a reformed anyone. I like my cigarettes. I don't drink anymore, but don't want to hear about how you saw the error of your ways and quit drinking to better yourself. And as for meat, well, I get light-headed if my cholesterol drops below a certain level.

9. People who think spanking is child abuse. If a kid refuses to listen to reason, the only recourse is to paddle that behind. Sometimes physical pain is all a child will respond to. And frankly, people who don't spank are the same ones dragging a screaming, convulsing toddler into the toy section at Wal-mart thinking they can bribe the kid into being quiet by buying them something. This will only backfire my friends. If your kid throws a fit every time you go to Walmart-and you buy them a toy every time they throw a fit....what reason would the kid have for NOT throwing a fit? Paddle the ass. My mom would yank us up by one arm in the middle of church if we acted like little jerk offs.

10. People who look for things to be unhappy about. The world is an ugly place. If you don't like it here, MOVE.