1. Bicycle helmets. Who in the hell decided that we needed this crap? When I was a kid, not only did we not wear helmets, but would promptly beat up anyone seen wearing a bicycle helmet. Not only did we not wear helmets, but half the time, we couldn't be guaranteed that our front wheel would even stay attached to our bike as we ramped off the neighbor's tree roots. We are all still alive and accounted for.
2. Disinfecting wipes at supermarkets. Do you have any idea how many of my children cut teeth by chewing on the handle of the shopping cart? None of my children have ever contracted ptomain, botulism, SARS, AIDS, hoof and mouth disease, or even a common cold from chewing on the shopping cart handle.
3. People who mispronounce my name repeatedly. Dari. Rhymes with Jerry, Larry, Barry, Kari. I understand getting it wrong the first time. But please pay attention when you're corrected. No. It's not short for anything. I guess you could say it's long for DURRRHH.
4. People who get so far behind on their bills all year long and wait for their tax refund to get caught up. What are you doing with the money the rest of the year?
5. People who call my house and ask to speak with my mother.
6. People who don't understand why my children's last name is different from mine.
7. People who say, "you don't LOOK like you've had that many kids". Exactly what am I SUPPOSED to look like? Would you be more comfortable with my appearance if I weighed 450 lbs, had a leather handbag for a face and had lost most of my hair?
8. Exes. I don't mean husbands. Ex-smokers. Ex-drinkers. Ex-meat eaters. There's nothing worse than a reformed anyone. I like my cigarettes. I don't drink anymore, but don't want to hear about how you saw the error of your ways and quit drinking to better yourself. And as for meat, well, I get light-headed if my cholesterol drops below a certain level.
9. People who think spanking is child abuse. If a kid refuses to listen to reason, the only recourse is to paddle that behind. Sometimes physical pain is all a child will respond to. And frankly, people who don't spank are the same ones dragging a screaming, convulsing toddler into the toy section at Wal-mart thinking they can bribe the kid into being quiet by buying them something. This will only backfire my friends. If your kid throws a fit every time you go to Walmart-and you buy them a toy every time they throw a fit....what reason would the kid have for NOT throwing a fit? Paddle the ass. My mom would yank us up by one arm in the middle of church if we acted like little jerk offs.
10. People who look for things to be unhappy about. The world is an ugly place. If you don't like it here, MOVE.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
The IRS-'Tis the Reason for the Season
It's been too long since I've posted, and for that-I'm truly sorry. I'm not even sure if I have anything witty to say or if I'll just ramble and type until something comes to me. Actually, that's how I wrote most of my papers in high school.
Tax season is upon us and for most of us, it's a wonderful time of year. The government actually RETURNS some of the money we've lent them all year long. They've borrowed it interest free of course. Not so much as a thank you, just a little letter saying they'll return our money pretty much in their own sweet ass time. My grandfather has a wonderful idea about this whole tax thing. He's always been probably the smartest guy I've ever known (okay Dad, you're a close second). My grandfather still works. Still works EVERY day. I'm not sure if financially he HAS to, or if being cooped up in the house all day with Mamaw is too much for him. Anyway. Here's how he does things.....When he goes to work for someone and fills out his W4, he refuses to have ANY taxes taken out of his paychecks throughout the year. Then, at the end of the year when he files, he figures up what he owes and sends the IRS a check. That way A) they've had to wait all year to spend HIS money and B) they're not using his money all year long interest and penalty free. I mean, talk about reading between the lines and thinking outside the box. He's not doing anything illegal, or even slightly shady. But who else would have thought of that? So, "Hats off Smitty, I like the way you think!"
Tax season is upon us and for most of us, it's a wonderful time of year. The government actually RETURNS some of the money we've lent them all year long. They've borrowed it interest free of course. Not so much as a thank you, just a little letter saying they'll return our money pretty much in their own sweet ass time. My grandfather has a wonderful idea about this whole tax thing. He's always been probably the smartest guy I've ever known (okay Dad, you're a close second). My grandfather still works. Still works EVERY day. I'm not sure if financially he HAS to, or if being cooped up in the house all day with Mamaw is too much for him. Anyway. Here's how he does things.....When he goes to work for someone and fills out his W4, he refuses to have ANY taxes taken out of his paychecks throughout the year. Then, at the end of the year when he files, he figures up what he owes and sends the IRS a check. That way A) they've had to wait all year to spend HIS money and B) they're not using his money all year long interest and penalty free. I mean, talk about reading between the lines and thinking outside the box. He's not doing anything illegal, or even slightly shady. But who else would have thought of that? So, "Hats off Smitty, I like the way you think!"
Monday, February 2, 2009
Sick Guys
I want to preface this blog by stating that I am under no circumstances-a man hater. As a matter of fact, I hate man-haters. If ya wanna hate men, go play for the other team. We're all in this together. I think in this day and age having basic cordial respect for one's spouse is as archaic as using the post office to communicate with someone. BUT, when my husband or one of my sons get sick, I want to pour battery acid in my eardrums to numb the pain. I'll be more specific. My husband was throwing up this morning. Didn't take any medicine-didn't make a doctor's appointment-just went to work. This just spells disaster for everyone he comes in contact with. Not that he's contagious, he's just such a @##$%^@$%^ when he's not feeling well. I once told him it was impossible to feel sympathy for him in his time of need because he's such a jerk.
It started with him biting my head off when I made my morning call to him on my way to work. He takes one child and two dogs every morning. I take two children. This situation was a lot more even before HE decided we needed another puppy. But that's another blog entirely. He bit my head off because he was trying to get Ro into school. He'd call me back. About an hour later he calls and is very sweet. This 'being sweet after jerkiness' used to trick me into believing sweetness was to be expected for the rest of the day. I've scored better in trig exams.
Then at lunch we eat together. It starts out with him being very cordial, if not a little quiet. The lunch ended with him screaming at me as I went through a yellow (and YES it was yellow AND it was on a 70 mph road). So, feeling like a 16 year old bringing home the family sedan with a new ding, I didn't say anything the rest of lunch.
About an hour ago, he called to inform me that we're about to start fighting like we used to. Meaning we divide the assets and tell each other exactly where to go. We're about to start fighting like that because I didn't carry the mail into the house at lunch because I had to get back to work. I called to tell him what we had. This turned into a lecture about how dirty my car always is and that he's tired of cleaning it out. This is the same car that logs about 100 miles a day back and forth to my work, his work, the kids' school, daycare center, post office, bank, grocery store, eye doctor, dentist appointment, wrestling, volleyball, swimming with the three kids (and sometimes a dog) in tow. I've never asked that he clean out my car and he rarely rides in it so its cleanliness is really irrelevant. I guess at this point I can start bitching about having to wash everybody's clothes every day and how under appreciated I am. But that would just be me naggin then wouldn't it?
So, WE'RE not going to fight like anything today. Today I choose NOT to react to the jerk off things he'll say because he's too stubborn to just admit he doesn't feel good and wants everyone else as miserable as he is. I won't let him bait me into saying things a sailor working in the oilfield would be embarassed to hear. BUT I will remember the standard that has been set for behavior when one is sick. Because apparently being sick gives one license to be insensitive, overbearing, and just rude as hell in general. With that in mind, "COME ON FLU SEASON" I've got a lot to say.
It started with him biting my head off when I made my morning call to him on my way to work. He takes one child and two dogs every morning. I take two children. This situation was a lot more even before HE decided we needed another puppy. But that's another blog entirely. He bit my head off because he was trying to get Ro into school. He'd call me back. About an hour later he calls and is very sweet. This 'being sweet after jerkiness' used to trick me into believing sweetness was to be expected for the rest of the day. I've scored better in trig exams.
Then at lunch we eat together. It starts out with him being very cordial, if not a little quiet. The lunch ended with him screaming at me as I went through a yellow (and YES it was yellow AND it was on a 70 mph road). So, feeling like a 16 year old bringing home the family sedan with a new ding, I didn't say anything the rest of lunch.
About an hour ago, he called to inform me that we're about to start fighting like we used to. Meaning we divide the assets and tell each other exactly where to go. We're about to start fighting like that because I didn't carry the mail into the house at lunch because I had to get back to work. I called to tell him what we had. This turned into a lecture about how dirty my car always is and that he's tired of cleaning it out. This is the same car that logs about 100 miles a day back and forth to my work, his work, the kids' school, daycare center, post office, bank, grocery store, eye doctor, dentist appointment, wrestling, volleyball, swimming with the three kids (and sometimes a dog) in tow. I've never asked that he clean out my car and he rarely rides in it so its cleanliness is really irrelevant. I guess at this point I can start bitching about having to wash everybody's clothes every day and how under appreciated I am. But that would just be me naggin then wouldn't it?
So, WE'RE not going to fight like anything today. Today I choose NOT to react to the jerk off things he'll say because he's too stubborn to just admit he doesn't feel good and wants everyone else as miserable as he is. I won't let him bait me into saying things a sailor working in the oilfield would be embarassed to hear. BUT I will remember the standard that has been set for behavior when one is sick. Because apparently being sick gives one license to be insensitive, overbearing, and just rude as hell in general. With that in mind, "COME ON FLU SEASON" I've got a lot to say.
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